Thursday, March 04, 2021

Dear Ujie

You know why they hated us so much?

Because we were different, most times we are way better than them. We don't conform to their cookie-cutter ideal, so they feel intimidated by it, tak tercapai kalau nak ikut, tak terlawan nak ditanding, so they resort to what make them feel bigger, by bullying and putting us down.

Sama saja the boys, those yang bullied and called you names, sebab depa rasa threatened by you, or more likely some had a crush on you tapi tak tau nak buat apa, so started teasing you and that got out of hand, benda tak elok ni cepat orang ikut.

As for the teachers, apart from one or two sadistic ones, the rest are more comfortable listening and believing 'cerita' from those yang depa rasa depa boleh faham compared to those like you and I, it's simpler for them to label the likes of us as troublemaker and bad influence dari nak siasat the truth. 

These bullies put us down, bully us to break us, so that we either conform or we breakdown and lose who we are meant be. I had to stop letting those cruel things and bad episodes define me, otherwise I wouldn't be able to grow and be happy with my life. 

If I'm going to be sad, I want it to be because of my own mistake or tragedy, not something bullies inflicted on me out of their own insecurities years ago. I  don't want them to live in my head rent-free, and parasiticly destroying my fabulous self. 

It wasn't easy Ujie, at times they do pop up and screw me up, but hey! I'm not going to let them control my life anymore. 

Remember I told you how I met some of those bullies and realized how sad they look now? Bukan dah jadi supervillian ka apa pun, just a sad looking makcik who will not even be a quarter of who we are today.

Jiwa depa sakit, that's why depa buat semua tu kat kita, kalau depa normal like they think they are, they wouldn't have done all those things, so toksah menyakitkan jiwa dan diri kita lagi sebab depa sakit jiwa. 

Nak minta depa apologize? What will that get us? Lega? Puas hati? Rasa terbela? All bullying will stop? Silap silap lepas depa dah apologies satni kita dok fikir pulak, depa ikhlas ka minta maaf, or depa do so just to make fun of us, hence the vicious cycle continues. 35 years later they are still 'bullying' us, only this time we are enabling them, giving them the power to do so. We have suffered long enough to let them continue doing that. Imagine the great things that we are meant to achieve and know that it's not too late to achieve it.

Panjang dah aku merepek ni. Hugs to you Ujie, insyaallah soon all these will just be a bad memory that will no longer haunt you, and me.

Love you.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Wake me up from this nightmare

My beautiful manja girl crossed the rainbow bridge suddenly and unexpectedly while in my arms at 1230am as we were rushing her to the clinic just now.

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She gave me 453 days of unconditional love, a cat that turned up at our gate one day and chose me as her person, clinging to me every second she sees me, sleeping on my chest, back and side every opportunity she gets, pulling my hand so that she can use it as a pillow as she sleeps by my side on the bed, nibbling on my fingers if I try to pull away. Constantly pulling up her body unto my chest to kiss my face,  jumping onto my lap to make cookies just like she did the first day I saw her in our garden. There's no denying it was love at the first sight for both of us.

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That's 1 year, 2 months and 25 days that she filled our lives with joy and love. Never have I felt this much love and affection from a cat.

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Everything happened so quick, she looked like she was recovering well from the simple procedure, this afternoon she was beginning to eat and using the litter box, then by nightfall she has started to become restless, and everything just went downhill by 1130pm.

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Goodbye darling Cleopatra Grey, thank you for everything you've brought into our lives. We love you so much Theo, my beautiful  manja girl. Thank you for choosing me and our home, for allowing us to care and love you. Thank you for letting Uncle, Jaddu, Jeddah, Abang H, Abang Q and Shereen share the love too.

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Latte is going to miss you so much Cleo, she had a very confused look just now when she saw me cradling your lifeless body, she was sniffing you and looking at me, like she's asking what's going on.

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I'm devastated. We are all heartbroken. 

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I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

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Till we meet again in heaven.

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Cleopatra Grey

2019 - 25 February 2021