never vanilla

lil' girl

i wish 

you'd pick 

your self up

you are

meant for

great things
and you
know it too

life is not

just vanilla

strawberry

or chocolate

go ahead

create flavors

of your own
we know
it will be
scrumptious

i see

shades 

of me

in you
lil' girl

i know

how hard

it gets

but aren't

we the

strong ones

the one

that's meant 
to change 
the world

How I Did It

I have been battling with my weight ever since I can remember, almost always I was the biggest girl in class. I managed to shed about 20kgs when I was about 19 right after I had my appendix out. Managed to keep it off until I got married at 22. Since I did it the wrong way, there were moments I was bulimic. I couldn't/didn't keep it up when I got married, being the foodie that loves to cook I am.

My weight ballooned up to almost 110 within 15 years. I was battling with infertility, hated where I was in life and was quite disgusted with how I look at that time.

And one day before Ramadan, I think about a week before, something just struck in me. I NEED change. I need to get a hold of my life. And the easiest thing I could do is something that doesn't involve other. The change is all about me. I challenged myself.

I started controlling my food intake, with Ramadan it wasn't too hard. I cooked my own food, staying away from the normal Ramadan fares + the bazaar Ramadan. I went on a fat-free, no oil, no red meat diet. Meal consist of a dinner plate 1/2 filled with veges (raw/blanched), 2 tablespoon of carb + remaining being white fish / chicken breast that I oven bake/steam with loads of herbs & spices. Fruit is a must. And yes I take tonnes of yogurt, as part of the meal. I was taking 1 meal a day, sahur is just some tamar.

The weigh started melting, I lost about 7kgs in the 1st week - which I know perfectly well are just water loss, but hey! it was really showing. After about a week, I started walking daily for an hour in the evening just before iftar. It was truly murder in the beginning, but I kept to it. Chanting to my self 'The pain in my legs are not as bad as the pain in my heart caused by being stuck in this body I hate'. From the 2km on the 1st day, I was up to 3.5km and then 5km within the month.

Aidilfitri came and went, I stuck to my regime. Never touching anything but my own food. Surprised quite a few people with the changes as I did not talk about it at all, made sure no photos are on my FB that even hinted of the things I was doing. By then I've lost about 15kg, the changes was quite obvious, even my skin has gotten better. And I was doing it all drug free, none of those weight-loss program. The only extra supplement I take is Lecithin on top of my usual multivitamins. And yes I weight myself daily as to know what help with loss/gain. Oh, btw, after each meal I sometime weight almost 1.5kg more, but I know this are all water & etc. and it will just go away in less than 12 hours.

It's been about 6 months, I am still on the journey, though not as strict as before, I do take normal food in very controlled manner - just for the taste of it. I walk 3-4 times a week (up to 5 miles sometimes). I have lost more than 35kg. I still need to join the gym to tone up. I target 5-8kg more, I know this is not going to be easy at all, but I believe I can do it. And the bonus, I am actually smaller than some of those beauties during school/college time!

Lastly ladies, if I can do it, anyone can!

a diversion in my path of life.

About six months ago I resolved to make some changes in my life. I wasn't too crazy with where I was with all the things around me. Many things need to change. At that point I decided that the first change should be something not involving others directly. Something that I could be in total control of. Something about me and myself. Hence began my journey of shedding all this excess, both physical and emotional.

As the physical transformation takes place, so does the my emotional state. I am discovering things about me that I never knew exist. This new strength, willpower and determination. And the creative part of me is also making a comeback. The eloquence juice is flowing well.

In the past six months, I've shed about 35% of my body weight, help edit & publish a book of poetry, re-evaluate a thing or two in my life, learn of a few of my hidden talents and best of all, I started living my life to the fullest.

My journey on this new path has begun. There's so much ahead, and I won't look back. I will brave this chance and no more regret. I will make the best of everything.

p/s : funny how I meant to write about something else but ended up writing this instead. So do you still want me to write about how I did it?

stop talking about that!

Oh, how I hate, despise, abhor the conversation I just had. Talks about lost & losing someone close to you is like visualizing losing a limb, losing one of your senses, only far, far worse.

Now, do I just go to bed, pretending to try to sleep (which I know perfectly well I can't) or do I hit the shower to drown this wretching sobs?

The choice is obvious, aint it?

Making peace

There's so much I wanted to tell, but it all just got lost in my train of thought that was going light-speed as I sat in front of you. Like the dreams of you I've been having, where you are a natural part of my life. Or how of late so much of our memories keep popping on my social media accounts, of our coded conversations, favorite verses from our favorite poets, and end of the year memories.

And how apt, songs by the singer that used serenade me while we were keeping each other company then, was playing as we walked into the coffee place.

Had the chance meeting been planned, it wouldn't have worked out as almost perfect as it was. Like we always said, we'll meet again someday if and when the stars are properly aligned, and we will at the same place at the same time, unplanned, unexpected.

Was it perfect? No. Can seventy seven minutes in seven years, be enough? It felt more like a split second, you miss all the important bits and created many more of 'I wished I had'.

I wanted to run, not facing you, ever again. To just tell you I see you, but goodbye. Then I thought, I can't forever be running. And you being here made me realize that you are not my demon, nor am I your temptation. We are just parts of each other, that are meant to make us whole/real. But the thing is, we can't be whole all the times, because perfection will only destroy us. So chance meeting and stolen moments are all we have.

Now, twelve and three quarter hours after I first saw you sitting in the same seat as I was, seven rows ahead in that huge hall, my heart is still racing, my head spinning with excitement, yet I feel sated, at peace. A sense of completemess envelops me. I've made peace, with you and with me. I made peace with us. About us.

Till the next time the stars are aligned.

"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul"

"...so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you..."

~ Pablo Neruda ~